Unbearable
by cythill
Summary: In the hottest night of the year a young couple has to deal with the future of their relationship. Can they work it out or will it break them? "Alex felt like she couldn't breathe. She had been in this situation over and over for the last couple of months and each time she had felt the urge to crawl outside of her skin, just to make the pain go away and today it had happened."


**A reader asked me to do this one shot and so I tried to fullfill this wish.**

 **The story is rudimentarily based on the song Toothbrush by dnce but in my very own interpretation. I just wrote what I associated with the song and I tried to make it as authentical as possible. I really hope all of you will enjoy it.**

 **Please tell me what you think about it and if you want me to write more stuff like this, because I had surprisingly much fun writing it.**

 **XXX**

* * *

The air was so thick and hot that Alex felt like she couldn't breathe. She had been in this situation over and over for the last couple of months and each time she had felt the urge to crawl outside of her skin, just to make the pain go away and today it had happened.

She was watching herself from a distance, this dark haired woman with the even darker circles under her eyes looked crushed, exhausted and she couldn't believe that this was really her. The strong badass bitch that she always pretended to be, destroyed by a straight woman, this was so damn ironic.

Never fall in love with a straight girl! She had learned that right from the beginning and yet here she was, falling head over heals for this one.

She stood up from the hard wooden chair at her kitchen table from where she had been staring through the thick curtain of her own tears that mingled in the corner of her eyes, brought there from pain and the thick cigarette smoke that hung like a cloud at the ceiling of the kitchen.

She watched herself opening the little window over the sink, staring out in the dark night. The light of the streetlamps was dull and hardly enough to illuminate the street, now and then a few night owls walked by her window, she could see them from above, little bright spots on the dark pavement seen from 3 floors above.

The cloud of smoke was whipped up by the hot and humid breeze from outside, drawing restless circles and Alex lit her 100th cigarette of the day. The red embers glowed in the dark while Alex breathed in the thick smoke into her lungs and then threw the cigarette out of the window. It was too hot, too unbearable to be smoking right now.

Her shirt sticked to her sweaty skin and made her felt trapped in her own body. The whole city had suffered from this sticky heat for days but today it had reached it's climax and no sign of this releaving thunderstorm that would take the heat away.

Noone had said a word for what felt like hours, they had talked, yelled, screamed until their mouths were dry and their hearts were sore. All of Alex's feelings were tearing her down, tugging on her nerves that lay bare on the surface, making her vulnerable and desperate.

How could all of this have happened? She had been happy once, had had relationships that might not have been perfect but bearable. But never before had she wanted something so badly, even though she knew it was destroying her. A single tear rolled down her cheek and she watched it fall through the darkness until in reached the dark ground and shattered into a million molecules that almost immediately mingeled with the watermolecules thickening this awful air.

They were stuck in a limbo and Alex was half hypnotized, how could this girl ever have enchanted her like this, how could one single person capture all your spirit all your soul and all your happiness?

Trying to spy the horizon, Alex seeked for distraction, but then she closed the window again with a deep frustrated sigh. She tugged at the hem of her white, sweaty shirt that stuck to her skin like glue, before she sat down on the chair again, and it was like she had sat there all the time. There was still a cloud of smoke over her head and the air from outside hadn't brought any relieve.

And Piper was still standing where she stood 10 minutes ago, a statue, cold in this hellish fire. The wood under Alex's fingers was rutted by the texture that nature had drawn into it over the springs and falls of uncounted years, a force that was existant long before she was born and would still be when her ashes became one with the cold damp earth she'll be buried in.

"I just don't get what you want from me!" The voice sounded way louder than it was in contrast with this exhausted tranquility of the past half hour and Alex burried her face in her hands. Her forehead felt hot like she was in a fever and her sight had gotten blurry. They had been running in circles again and again and Alex couldn't believe that they should go again now. She just couldn't put her feelings in words, at least not in those kind of words that Piper would have understood, it seemed. And by now Alex wasn't even sure what she wanted, she felt so confused.

"I want you to commit." she whispered weakly against her palms, her damp hot breath hitting the skin of her face, reflected by her hands that she still had in front of her face.

"I told you I'm not ready to tell anyone! And I'm not some lesbian chick that brings a moving van to third date!" Piper scoffed and immediately drove Alex insanely angry.

Jumping off her stool she now yelled.

"Oh so these are dates?" she couldn't even sound sarcastic, she was so mad right now and this bloody heat was still tugging on her nerves.

"What?" Piper's voice was pitched an octave higher than usual, outraged. Alex couldn't stop herself this all had been dwelling underneath the surface for weeks already.

"If this is dating for you?" she yelled, pushing her glasses to the top of her head.

"What?" Piper's voice got even higher, if possible "What are you trying to imply?" she had come closer to the darkhaired woman, now only the kitchen table between them and a lot of thick, sticky air.

"Oh, I don't know! I just thought by the way you behave that this is just some fucked up social experiment as in how is it to fuck a woman for a while and then go back to dicks!"

"What?" Piper seemed to be lost for any other words, but then after nothing had been said for a few seconds, she found a few "Are you kidding me?"

"I don't get what you want, Piper!" Alex was desperate, this woman was driving her insane. She felt like a teenager again, confused and helpless and way too involved.

"What I want?" Piper still sounded hysterical "I tell you what I don't want. I don't want someone to nail me down on a relationship after we knew each other for six weeks!" with that she moved herself towards the door, grabbing her handbag from where she had left it earlier, but Alex was faster. She rushed to the door, pushing against it so Piper had no chance of opening and leaving.

"No you just want someone to nail you, am I right?" she hissed "And by the way it's been three months."

"OK so three months, whatever." Piper said a little weakly, letting her bag fall back on the floor again.

"You don't even know how long we know each other!" Alex exclaimed, burrying her hands in her hair. She remembered the day she saw the blonde beauty in a bar like it had been yesterday and it hurt her to no end that Piper didn't even seem to care. She felt the tears dwelling in her eyes and she wiped them away angrily. She loved this woman and she could not even believe it herself, never had she fallen for anybody this fastly. It just felt inevitable.

"What is it that I am doing so wrong, Alex, that you can't just let it be?" The raven haired could see the drops of sweat run down Piper's neck where the tiny hair were glistening warmly in the light of the lamp on the wall behind her. She wanted to outreach her hand, touch Piper and she sighed deeply, the humid air agglutinating her lungs.

"Each time I let you stay the night, up in the morning you stand there in your underwear and my t-shirt from the night before and your messed up hair, your feet still bare and you can't even close the bedroom door, because you're so afraid that you might not be able to disappear on me fast enough. We play the moment on repeat. It's been the fucking same for three fucking months!" There was this silence again, this awfully loaded silence and Piper kept staring on the floor. Alex couldn't stand it.

"It's like each time could be the last time. I feel like I can't ever relax with you around, because who knows maybe I'll never see you again." she said that very silently, almost whispering.

"I could go out and be burried underneath a falling tile! You never know when it's the last time." Piper stated and Alex let herself fall on the coutch with a groan.

"You just don't get it." she whispered, wiping away a drop of sweat that was running down her forehead.

"Alex." Piper whispered, letting herself sink down next to the confused, lost beauty. Alex closed her eyes, feeling her so close almost made her want to throw all her doubts and wishes away to just do her now. She felt Piper's hand on her knee, stroking her thigh and she could feel the hot breath of her lover hitting her heatening cheek before she felt the lips on her neck. That was when she gave in, she turned into Piper's embrace and their bodies literally melted into one when their lips started touching. She could feel the salt on those soft lips, like an ocean of promises and in herself rose an ocean of desire. She wanted this woman, wanted so much of her, wanted all of her. Her tears, her sweat, her body, her heart and her soul.

"Why can't we just make each other feel good?" Piper whispered into the kiss and all of a sudden she awoke Alex from the charm she had just casted on her again. The raven haired pulled back from the hug, she jumped off the couch, throwing her arms in the air, furious.

"Because I don't want a fuckbuddy. I could screw every woman I wanted but I want more. I want someone, who has a fucking toothbrush in my bathroom. Fuck, you didn't listen to a single word I said, did you?"

Alex couldn't stand it anymore, she felt like the heavy air was burrying her alive and she got the urge to pull her skin off her face, tug at it and wait until the smooth texture ripped apart, releasing her from being caught in her own body in this awful hell of a city.

She turned her back, trying to break the curse that the beautiful witch had laid on her.

Piper still sat on the sofa when Alex was over at the window again. One jump and it could be over, she could just become a puddle on the ground that soon would have dissolved into nothing. The glass of the window against her forehead was only slightly cooler that her skin, but she embraced the coolness for the seconds that it lasted until her bodyheat had equalized the temperatures.

Without looking down, her fingers started drawing a heart on the dark surface of the kitchencounter. A treace of sweat was showing the pattern of her desperate love for the break of a second before it immediately dried into nothing. Like it never had been there.

Like nothing had ever been there. And it made her feel empty and hollow, she only knew that she couldn't let it go, let her go.

„Why are you in such a rush?"

This all felt like a bad dream that was never going to end, they were stuck in hell and there was no way of getting out of there and Alex felt she was close to choking, this was what death must feel like.

„We don't have to rush, I never said that." she whispered, her breath hitting the glass in front of her.

She was staring outside, seeking for a sign of wind, moving air that could cool her down, seeking for a cloud that could release her from the tension, but there was nothing there that could have saved her.

No sinlge leaf was moving, the trees looked as dead and suffocated as she felt.

„Do you even like me?" she whispered so silently that Piper couldn't hear her over there on the couch.

„I like you a lot. Can't you see that?" Piper wasn't sitting on the couch anymore, she had been walking up towards the raven haired, without her noticing and now she was wrapping her arms around her waist, making it even harder for her to breathe.

„I do like you." Alex felt Piper's breath hitting her ear, giving her goospebumps all over her heated skin. „But you are suffocating me." The words hit Alex like a lightning bolt, harsh, sharp, hot and burning and the soft arms that had just held her in a tender embrace were gone as sudden as they had been there, leaving her as an empty shell, alone in the dizziness that had come over her.

„I'm sorry." she whispered against the glass in front of her, not feeling able to turn around, not feeling able to face what was breaking her inside.

„I love you." she whispered and her husky voice was breaking under the stream of tears that were now rolling down her face, they felt like they were boiling.

„I know." Piper whispered back and Alex knew from the sound of her voice, that Piper's face was covered in tears now, too.

She didn't knew though what hurt more, Piper's words that weren't telling her what she wanted to hear or the fact that this whole situation was toxic to the both of them, making them cry, making them suffer, making them short of breath.

Piper's finger closed around her wrist, tugging on her weakly, she wanted her to look at her, but Alex just couldn't stand seeing her, seeing her backing off from her, seeing the distance in her eyes as she was about to say goodbye.

But the blonde kept tugging and eventually turned her around. She shut her eyes closed as tight as she could. No! She couldn't let her go, she couldn't let her walk away and let her see that it was breaking her apart.

„Alex." the hands were now cupping her face. „Please look at me."

Alex shook her head, she couldn't. „No." she whispered weakly, as the fingers were wiping away her hot tearstains.

„Please Alex."

„Please don't leave me." It sounded desperate and pathetic in her own ears as those words slipped out and again she seemed to crawl out of her skin, because she could see herself from above. Could see this devastated woman, squinching her eyes shut and her whole, red face was a grimace of pain while the salty oceans of plain wrench were streaming down this horrible mask that once had been her compelling face. She saw this almost caricatural figure standing in her own kitchen at three in the morning and it exhausted her to no end.

„I don't know if I can give you what you deserve." Piper whispered now and Alex could feel her words on her face as Piper got closer. Her lips were only brushing over her's and Alex clinged onto it as on sheer life. Their kiss was neither passionate nor sweet, it was an act of desperation as they pressed they lips onto each other's holding each other in one silent cry.

They stood there for what felt like ages, not moving, not wanting to break this connection that felt so inevitable and so unbearable and impossible at the same time, until the heat was getting too powerful for them to stand it any longer, then they broke their moment and both of them had to turn away to not break apart.

„It's not your fault, you know? It's on me."

Alex would have laughed about these cliche words that were coming out of Piper's mouth like she needed to force herself to it, but she was too busy collecting her shattered heart off the floor while trying to get her lung to breathe again.

„I've been used, I've been cheated on, I have hidden my sexuality for a decade, even in front of myself. I can't just … I'm... I'm not ready."

Alex turned around towards the blonde to find her kneeling on the kitchen floor, a cloud of smoke still hanging above her head like a threatening force, threatening to suffocate them, burn them alive.

Two forces were tugging on Alex's sleeves. Her love for that woman was telling her to kneel down beside that woman, hug her, hold her, but what little life instinct was left in her was telling her to stay back, not let this woman steal her breath again.

What won in the end was a third power that had been tugging on her for hours already and she sunk down on the kitchenfloor, her back leaned against the kitchen counter.

„You're all I ever wanted." Piper's voice was only a whisper through the gloomy light and Alex's heart felt like cramping into one tight, painful knot. She couldn't speak, she felt all dizzy, her head was spinning from dehydration. She had been drinking way too less to compensate the loss of water that this heat was causing.

This felt like goodbye.

„Then why?" Alex whispered over ten minutes later, when she had finally caught enough breath to find her words again. „Then why are you making this so hard?"

„Because you fucking scare me." Piper had her head leaned against the table leg now, her eyes were closed and there were still tears running down her red cheeks. Alex couldn't say anything, she didn't have the strength to aks the questions that were weighing on her and she knew that Piper knew those questions already.

The exhaustion was rolling over her like a wave and when Piper spoke again, the voice came from a huge distance. Alex had no idea how much time had passed since the last word had been spoken, if it were 5 minutes or an hour, but she had fallen into an unsteady sleep in the meantime and the words needed a long time until they really reached her consciousness.

„You are the only person that could crush my heart within the blink of an and I don't think I can bear this." Piper whispered.

Alex didn't answer, she wanted to promise Piper that she would never do that, that she would love her forever, that she had never felt like this before, that she felt like she couldn't survive without her anymore. But she was afraid of the fist around her heart that could squeeze her to death any second. What if this really was goodbye?

„So this is it?" she asked the question she didn't want to know the answer to.

She didn't get one, neither to this question nor to her next one.

„Are you punishing me for making you feel something?"

She watched as Piper stood up from the floor and the contours got blurry when the blonde walked over to the door, shutting it close behind her, Alex let out a desperate cry.

Her whole body hurt, like someone had cut in her flesh a million times and the sweat on her skins felt like blood oozing out from all the wounds that Piper had ripped into her.

She lay down on the kitchen floor and the scream that exited her lungs sounded unhuman, like a shot animal that screams one last time before it never breathes again.

Piper had left her and the pain inside her was worse than she could have ever imagined.

It was almost ironic, like the world was mocking her as the first raindrop hit the glass of the kitchen window in that very second when she was staring out from where she was lying on her back in sorrow. She pulled herself up from the floor, magnetically drawn towards the window, where the drops were now creating a pattern in front of the dark veil of the night. It was still hot, sticky and the air was still unbearably thick, making it hard for it to reach the bottom of her lungs, but out there, out there was the promise of releave.

Her hand touched the smooth surface of the glass that hadn't cooled down a bit, yet and it felt almost unreal, like she wasn't even in her brain anymore, like her body was being on auto mode, fleeing from the agony of her broken heart.

The rain was starting to get heavier and Alex's hand reached to the handle, opening the window in need for air.

She stared out in the darkness, a single firefly strayed through the air, deterred and terrified by the heavy waterdrops, threatening to kill it while inevitably attracted by the cone of light from the streetlamp above it, that could burn it as soon as it got too close, a fight for life and death and there was no escape.

Alex's attention was drawn to the little creature in the same way that the animal was drawn to the light, she couldn't take her eyes off and the tears rolling down her face uncontrollably started to make her vision blurr.

She had screamed her pain into the night and now she was just an empty shell, holding onto the tiny string of hope that someday, eventually she might be able to feel something again.

She didn't know how long she had been standing there, her shirt was still sticking to her like a second skin and she still couldn't breathe, the dizziness making her feel more feverish than before and for a second she thought she was hallucinating when she heard the ring of the doorbell.

But it rang a second and a third time.

She watched herself moving towards the front door, reluctantly.

And then there she was, her hair was soaked in water, her clothes sticked to her skin, almost translucent, just like her own, but not from sweat anymore, but from rain and she was panting like she had run as fast as possible. Alex could see the questionmarks in her own eyes just a millisecond before Piper raised her arm almost triumphantly, showing the single pink toothbrush she was holding in her hand.

A breeze from outside hit Alex's face and she felt like fresh air was really filling her lungs for the first time that night without agglutinating the tissue and without making her feel suffocated.

She couldn't smile, she couldn't move, she had to savor this breath like it had finally brought her back to life, back into her body.

Opening her arms, she felt Piper's body falling into her's, the cold wetness of her skin cooling down her own heated body, and the second she felt the sweet tender kiss on her lips a lightning illuminated the sky and the ear- piercing thunder that followed was barely audible to her as she pulled the blonde into the bathroom and watched her putting her toothbrush into the cup next to her's.

Never had she thought that such a little gesture could make her feel on top of the earth one day.

THE END


End file.
